Coming Out of The Fog
Explore a personal journey of overcoming PTSD in “Coming Out of the Fog.” This heartfelt blog post delves into the author’s struggles and triumphs, highlighting the healing power of self-care and resilience.
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When I first joined the fire service at the age of nineteen, I had no idea at the time just how much of a toll it would take on my life. Now, at forty-eight, I can look back and see what a mess it made in its wake.
They say hindsight is 20/20, and no truer saying has ever been said — at least in my world. But the past is the past, and what has been done cannot be undone. I agree with this, but post-traumatic stress disorder makes putting the past behind me a monumental undertaking.
Nevertheless, over the last eight to ten years, I have fought like hell to have the past not haunt me in the present. Why? Because as much as I want to die, I also want to live, and so far, the will to live is stronger than the desire to die. And I am grateful for that. I have learned that, on some days, this gratitude is a moment-by-moment process.
There was a time, however, when I was fighting to stay alive like a man overboard, fighting with every ounce of my strength. When I was at my peak in terms of symptoms and despair, I lived in the darkest fog that robbed me of my joy, time with my children, my job — everything.
In those days, there was little in the way of good times, only the dark cloak of my blackout curtains while I lay in bed hoping what I was going through was just a nightmare. Living in the dark like some slug, high on one pharmaceutical after another, hoping that this one would have the desired effect — sadly, they did not.
Oddly enough, the only thing I had strength for was writing my first book, The Road To Mental Wellness. Writing is a great endeavor because you can always come back to it. I think this book, an autobiographical account of my battle with depression, anxiety, and PTSD, was the one thing that kept me going during those days. Other than that, the majority of the time is a blur.
Now that I am coming out of the fog, meaning I am now retired and able to look after my own needs through self-care practices, I have had many “aha” moments. There are so many things I don’t remember doing — too many to recall. The point here is that coming out of the fog and wanting to live over wanting to die clearly indicates that forced retirement (going on disability) has been working for me. While I hated the idea of not working and still struggle with it at times, I now have enough clarity of mind to know that it’s been the most effective treatment of them all.
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